Tuesday, 12 February 2008

i sat outside on my stone doorstep today and cried
i had no plan to sit pressed against my back door sobbing like a crazy woman, but that is what happened - it just came flooding out
great big, huge gulping waves of tears


i had just got back from the most amazing dog walk ever

the puppers was settled in his cosy crate enjoying a morning nap, and the girls and i set forth along the headland just outside our gate
the weather here at the moment is simply beautiful - cold, crisp and sunny

we took our usual track down to the sea edge and i looked up to witness the sun bouncing off the sea... beautiful

the sea birds are back - looking busy - making friends - making nests

i had to look twice before my brain finally understood what else my eyes were staring at

a seal
a perfect seal just there in front of me - enjoying the sun on the sea as much as i was
twenty seconds of pure joy filled every part of me and then it was gone

the girls and i carried on walking along to the old swimming baths - still scanning the sea - but sadly twenty seconds was all i was getting today x

the swimming pool is no longer used....
a few health and safety issues forced closure!
can you imagine how wonderful swimming here would have been?
the sea laps gently over the edge

but look how scary the steps down are!

but i guess the view you have when you make it down more than makes up for it

we came home to be greeted by this sweet little chap x

who has a new party trick
he has learnt how to pounce...

it amazes me when i see them altogether - he is almost as tall as Bean already, at just 10 weeks

he has developed such a character

and really is starting to object to the tiny dinner plates!!

sitting now, i realise the tears have been bubbling up for a good few days, so many high points and new experiences over just the last few weeks, hearing how my dear sweet Philip is going through a rough patch, having no idea where to take my little business to next.....
just before sitting on that cold stone step i almost picked up the phone to call Anne - just to tell her about the seal and Ghillie's out of control ears, to moan about my lack of self confidence and to hear that someone else has not done any housework for days.....

it is still such a horrid, gut wrenching shock when i realise she is no longer there.


Liz said...

My dad has been gone for 30 years, but sometimes the grief still overwhelms me. Not very often, but it is still there.

Gorgeous photos.

Tracy's Mum said...

Oh my Darling, Darling baby girl,
cause you always will be,I often still have a moment or four,thinking about your nan,when we adopted the boys i wanted her to meet them,sharn having Jordan i ached for her to meet him and i really want to talk to her about you moving to Scotland,we could have sobbed together...like now.
Everyday you are both in my thoughts.xxxxxxxxx
Huge Hugs from Mummy.xxxxxxxxxx

Kitty said...

Firstly ... I like the new look (which, I think was once an old look, or am I imagining it?)

Secondly, please accept a hug from a stranger ((((Tracy)))). Seven years on I still miss my dad hugely - there are less of those sitting down on stone steps crying moments, but the wound from when he 'went' remains.

I truly believe that Anne is still with you (and with Philip) and that she still cares for you (both - and others who were dear to her).

I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you. Take care :-) x

driftwood said...

thinking of you xxx

weebug said...

My dear, grief comes and goes, but is a constant reminder of how much your dear anne is with you. and she always will be.

thinking of you...

Claire said...

My old manager told me just after my mam died that grief is like a big black hole - you can be pootling aloing and feeling OK then the next minute you are in floods of tears. I , and it seems many others understand how you feel - I desperately miss my parents, especially my mam as I'm planning my wedding. They have never met David and it's sometimes a real struggle to get my head round things. However, I do feel fairly certain that one day we will see each other again, and that somehow they are with me. And the way you get hugs and kisses from them are from the little "ups" you have, and cute puppy licks. Hope this makes sense xx

Kristy said...

What you and Anne seems like something special.I'm sure you realise how lucky you were to have her in your life. Deep breaths. xxx

Pipany said...

Well, i'm quite pleased you cried Tracy - it's a normal stage in the grieving process and means you are going to be fine. That's not to say it's easy or good or not a lonely place to be, but if you weren't a sobbing heap occasionally then it would suggest you haven't accepted the loss yet and that is so much more damaging for you. Let the tears flow and keep letting out the sorrow; it will get better in time. Thinking of you Tracy xxx

Mrs. Fox said...

. . . but, you know, a selkie . . . that seems like a good sign, a benediction even.

Walt Whitman in Leaves of Grass writes, "Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged; Missing me one place, search another; I stop somewhere, waiting for you."

Emma Herian said...

It sounds like you really needed that hearty cry. What a perfect place to release what must be a HUGE mix of emotions. You have had a massive life change which must be so hard when you can not share it with such a lovely fiend. Allow yourself times like this as it will help to fill and heal those gaps - take care

Katie twinkles said...

It is a terrible thing when someone as good as Anne dies x
It is too big for one's brain when it very first happens and that is why it has to come out in little episodes like this.
I know x

Monkee Maker said...

Sorry to read that you're feeling down .... I hope that little (or not-so-little!) Ghillie and the girls will cheer you up soon.


ps. I hope you get to see the seal again too ....

French Knots said...

Grief changes over time but still deeply affects us years, never mind months, later. To cry it out is what you needed to do today, thinking of you.

mollycupcakes said...

Dear sweet lady, I am so sorry your feeling so low. Wish I could just say something wonderful to make you better.
But all I can do is send you my love and a shoulder to lean on when needed. You've listened to me when I needed it, so if I can return the kindness. I'm here for you.
Beautiful photos, just amazing.
And Ghillie wow he's so huge lol
The girls could have rides on him hehe!
Molly just loves the photos of him and screaming with happieness when I show her you're new posts.
Thinking of you hun.
Hugs from across the miles.
Catherine x
Ps. like the new look

Barbara said...

There's something about the beauty of the day that brings out emotions that have been hiding for a bit.
Pup is beautiful. His face alone would make me cry some days. It looks so vulnerable for all his size.

Minnie said...

Aw, you're such a love:O)))

Well, I cry all the time for my lost ones!!

I miss my Dad all the time...and my first ever boyfriend who took his own life..such a waste...he was gorgeous and clever, etc. And for my gran, my dear, lovely gran who died when I was very young, which is just not fair. I loved her when I was little and I want to hug her now and tell her how much I lover her!

What losing someone dear to me has taught me that you have to live life as you want. There are no rehearsals. But you are still allowed to miss people you love.

You are experiencing the norm. You lost your best friend. You moved for a new life. You are brave. Grief still needs time so your heart can mend. Get Philip to move up near you. He could have the title of being the most northern barrister:O))) Ann, then wouldn't have to flit so far to keep an eye on the both of you:O))))

Anonymous said...

Despite the sad moment, there is such healing in allowing one's tears to flow freely.

Hugs from me. Praying you find a new friend to be close to - not to replace Anne, as that's simply impossible - but just to be there for you.

acrossthepond said...

I am happy to read a new post from you today! I look forward to hearing what you are up to, seeing all the lovely photo's and reading about dear 'puppers'.
Grief is so strange. I remember after my dad died just walking along and bursting into tears for no reason. Some times it gives you no warning,yet awful as it feels at the time I think it is good to have a hearty cry.

jules said...

tracey it is so hard to think that you can no longer juct pick up the phone and have a moan or a chat, that realisation is the hardest feeling to bear, but look around you and think how lucky we all are to walk and see things that make us smile, your atories make all of us smile and cry sometimes. chin up my blogging friend, look forward to tomorrows walk who knows what you will see

love jules xx

Poppy Black said...


Poppy Black said...

By the way, Ghillie makes me smile! XXX for him too!

Nonnie said...

Tracy there's nothing I can really say to make you feel better other than to say that my thoughts are with you. I think having a really good cry is a very positive thing. It is part of the healing process. You will never forget Anne and she will always be looking over you but your loss will get easier to bare. Give those gorgeous doggies a big hug and take care. x

Vintage to Victorian said...

Oh Tracy, I'm so sorry you've had a sad moment. They come and go but in time they get less frequent, but that doesn't mean you love the lost person any less.

It's 34 years since I lost my dad (there are a lot of us in the same boat it would seem) and 21 years tomorrow since I lost my best friend at the age of 39. She would have been 60 this year. Mum has been looking out some old photos for my uncle's 80th birthday and we've come across so many of Izzie and me that I'd forgotten about. I've had a few 'moments' over the last few days as you can imagine, but the happy memories do take over from the sad as the years go on. However much we know we'll never believe the old addage, it is true that time is a great healer. It just seems such an insensitive phrase in the early days of grief.

Perhaps that fleeting glimpse of the seal was a visit from your dear friend. Just think of her when you see the next one.

With you on this one ...

Sue x

Jane said...

Crying is good Tracy and so is writing about crying. You are up on the edge of everything up there and its bound to be emotional,
I hope that you are being warmed by this spring sunshine.

Tracy's Mum said...

More Huge Hugs from Mummy,Dad
Sister's,Auntie Karen .....everyone,xxx
Love to you all Mummyxxxx

Curlew Country said...

Emotion can really rock you to the core some days can't it. But in a way its a raw demonsatration of how much more than a consuming, hassled, too busy to care species we are and means that your love for your friend goes on and so therefore does she. I'm sorry its so sad, take care of yourself, I'm sure your friend would want to give you a big hug better. Thinking of you.

Raindrops to Rainbows said...

I hope your feeling better tracy, cup of tea and a snuggle with the pets is my recommendation xx

Primrose Hill said...

Sending you a huge big hug Tracy, it'll be a real one in just over a week!

Just think of all those gorgeous sunny days still to come this year.

Take care,
L xx

the flour loft said...

have no words of wisdom but just wanted to say that i am thinking of you.... sending lots of love.

Katy said...

I think after taking in all of that beautiful scenery I would have cried too.

Hope you're feeling brighter today x

Deb said...

Hi Tracy
What beautiful photos. You live in such a lovely spot. Sometimes a day where you notice so many wonderful things (like spotting the seal) brings out such emotion! Ghillie is just adorable & the perfect addition to your family. The 3 look like they have a wonderful time together :-}

Ragged Roses said...

I hope you're feeling a bit better today Tracy. You've been through so much this past year. Sometimes the crying helps, Take care, thinking of you

Liz said...

I'm so sorry you're grieving. What a good friend you are though, to love someone so much.

Nin said...

Hang in there Tracy! The winter sunlight (or lack of) probably isn't helping either.

Thinking of you xxx