Thursday, 6 September 2007


100 posts

just think of all the waffle that you loyal readers have had to put up with....

thank you all for your kind, kind comments
you will never know how much they helped - just checking in each day to find such nice folk taking the time out - well it made these last few days a little more bearable.

and i guess that is all i can ask
for each day to be a little easier than the last
to wake each new morning and be able to breathe a little easier

i am in no doubt that it will get easier to cope with and understand - it has to - the lives of all who knew my friend has to trundle on

but i will miss her so very much

annie was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago - we knew then that it was an aggressive cancer but after treatment we were told that 10 years was the time to look at - 10 years of life left to enjoy.

about 6 months ago she developed a pain in her hip - dog walks became slower and shorter and each day i mentioned the fact that she should see a doctor - she will of course say that i nagged her constantly to the point of her wanting to push me in to the reservoir!!

the pain increased and so did annes fear and determination.

fear of the thought of more treatment - (she had an horrific time with chemo)

and determination to prove us all wrong and to carry on with life despite the pain.

it was only when the pain spread to her arm that she gave in - i can still remember the day of looking out of my shop window and waving madly at her as she walked across the road to the doctors surgery.

and the rest of course is history....

the cancer had spread to her bones

treatment was pointless

time was not on our side

in the last month this evil disease spread to her liver

and then she was gone.

grief affects us all differently and we have to cope with it in our own way

the last few days i have spent time reading, sewing and knitting

the things that i love doing but have been unable to put my mind to since moving house

perhaps now my annie has gone - i know she is no longer in pain

and as she said in a telephone conversation a few weeks before she died - when i asked her to always be around me and come and see my home in Scotland
she replied

hell no - its too cold up there and i am off to have some fun!!

you go girl.........

t x


Gigibird said...

I'm sure she is watching over you.
We all deal with illness differently and maybe your friend knew that the pain in her hip was the cancer returning but chose to ignore what she must have known was the inevitable. You were a good friend trying to make her go to the doctors.
Great that you are able to sew again.

French Knots said...

I had a friend who went through something similar, breast cancer which returned in her bones. She was older than me and I am now the age she was 14 years ago when she died. I think that you get used to the pain of not having them around anymore, perhaps that's how grief works, it doesn't go away but you accomodate it within you and carry on.
Keep on carrying on. x

Monkee Maker said...

:-( I've haven't lost anyone that close to me (touching wood madly), so I really don't know what to say to you.

Your last two posts have made me want to weep.

You rock and you were obviously a rock for Annie.

mollycupcakes said...

You have moved me so much with the beautiful things you've written about you lovely friend. Where ever she is right now, she is sure to be so very, very proud of you and will stay with you in your heart and mind forever.
Take care honey, if you need anything just email or call for a chat 01634 811335
Catherine, the girls and Ben x

Ragged Roses said...

You had such a good friendship with Annie - I am so sorry to hear of your grief. When my mother died the grief and loss was unbearable and I thought I would never recover and my cousin said that it's a bit like carrying around a sack of potatoes, the load doesn't change, but it eases as you get use to it. Thinking of you

Rose Vintage said...

Know exactly how you feel x Lost one of my best girlfriends almost two years ago. Wont lie to you, it still hurts but I am glad she is not in pain anymore...lots of love and hugs to you...x


Chara Michele said...

That is so difficult... One of my mum's best friends is going through this exact same thing right now. The cancer has spread too far and they can't do anything about it... So sad.

You are in my thoughts...

Miles Away In France said...

I am pleased to have you back in blog land.

You were a good friend to Annie and you express yourself so well when you talk of her.

Thinking of you
Racheal x

Ali said...

Hugs. That was a beautiful post.

Claudia said...

Nothing to say that has not been said before, but my thoughts are with you.

Jane said...

My friend that I mentioned had cancer, knew she had cancer, told no-one, didn't go to see a doctor and was diagnosed only when she collapsed, dying three days later at home having discharged herself.
She coped that way - we were left shocked and unbelieving.
You were a great friend and I believe we live on in our friends.
Just keep on living it up.

julie said...

Oh Tracy what deep pain and anguish you're suffering and what a beautiful, eloquent and moving tribute you've made to a wonderful friend. Get lots of doggie cuddles and licks and let your grief overtake things for a while - the world can wait for a bit xxx

Hilda May said...

What a lovely friend you were to her......her memory will live on in you and her other loved ones.......never stop talking about her......we lost my step-son to cancer 7 years ago..... we knew for a year he was going to die.....we miss him enormously....we talk about him often...untill it becomes too much.....take care of yourself....beautiful blog too

Country Cottage Chic said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Suzie Sews said...

Such a heart felt post.
Suzie Sews

Rubyred said...

Such a sad time for you,one of my best friends has just lost her mum.I try to be there for her to chat and give a hug and listen,such difficult times.You were a good friend.hope your sadness becomes more bearable for you.

buttercup&roses said...

Bless you tracy, I hope you find a way to get through this terrible time, try to remember the good times and stay as positive as you can...We are all here for you, you dont need to be alone.

Crying is good, dont hold back, let it all out, and keep talking, it relly helps.xx

trashalou said...

A ftting tribute that your hundredth post should be about such a wonderful person. I bet she is laughing that your'momentous occasion' should be 'all about her'!!!

Try and rest in the happy memories.

Clare said...

Hi Fiona,

I know how you are feeling - we lost a very close friend earlier this year to cancer. He fought it bravely for nearly two years. You have the memories of your time with your friend - treasure them and re-live them, and in many ways your friend will live on.

Thinking of you,

Clare xx

Claire said...


I have stopped by a few times but never posted (new to blogging)but reading your post I had to - I lost one of my best friends to cancer - the kind where it's gone everywhere and it's too late to do anything about it, a year after I lost my mam to breast cancer. It's an evil disease, and robs so many people of the ones they love and cherish. You describe your friend so well I wish I had met her - she sounds fun, and you will miss that. I think of loss as a wound - you are left with a scar - I never believe anyone can "get over it", but like a scar, it becomes par of you. Over time it is less raw, and fades away. Rest assured your friend is out there, but she's also with you - everyone we meet changes us slightly and we carry that always. Just keep doing what you need to do, step by step, day by day.

Best wishes


julia said...

Tracy, I'm so sorry for your loss.

So many people seem to be affected by cancer, it's a truly awful disease and seems to take the best. Annie sounded like someone who knew how to have fun and got the most out of life. Wherever she may be now, I'm sure she's cracking jokes! She was lucky to have a friend like you, and she will always be with you.

Julia x

carolyn said...

It's terribly sad Tracy, cancer is indeed an evil thing and yes you must take comfort in the fact that your friend is no longer in pain.

Victoria May Plum said...

Dear Tracy, your friend sounded like a wonderful girl, so spirited and very cheeky!
Remember the good times, a great girl friend is never forgotten and will always be such an important part of your life.
I am so sorry for your loss, I am thinking of you, and just wanted to let you know that if you ever need to chat I am only an email away.
Victoria x

Tiffany said...

I hope you have many beautiful memores to keep you company as you work through your grief.

I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


claire said...

So sorry to hear your sad news of your friend. Your words about her are lovely. Thank you for sharing with us. Take care.
Hugs Claire x

Wild Rose said...


So sorry to read about the loss of your beloved Annie. You must miss her terribly.

Marie x

dottycookie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a dear friend to brain cancer recently - she was a year older than me with two little ones the same age as mine. Your post was so very moving and summed up everything I've been feeling too.